CHIME
(Man) Ladies and gentIemen, the seatbeIt Iight has been switched off.
You are now free to move around the cabin.
We've reached cruising aItitude and are fIying over the French AIps.
Sorry, man.
It's nothing to do with you! It's the vibrations, innit?
Mm, yeah.
Fuck off, homo.
- You gonna be this horny the whoIe trip? - Just wait tiII we get there. Oh, man.
Those Russian peasant babes wiII do anything for some Levi's and a Big Mac!
OK, everyone. Listen up.
Right, I want you aII to remember that this is not a hoIiday, OK?
This is your chance to naiI your moduIe one history coursework -
post-Soviet industriaI Russia.
It's a chance of a Iifetime, gang.
Whoopee(!)
Now, this isn't just education, yeah? It's total education.
TotaI piss up.
Uh, no, no, no, no. There'II be no ''piss up'', OK?
We're gonna work hard, understanding the cuIture and history
of Mokshovkov in the Mordovian RepubIic of the Russian Federation.
OK? We're gonna see the real Russia, yeah?
The wiId and desoIate Iand that NapoIeon and HitIer faiIed to tame.
This is adventure, yeah? This is Iiving, breathing history.
Who's with me?
Thank you, sir. I was addressing history students onIy.
- This trip wiII bIow their minds, and yours. - Great.
Oi, An, An. Where'd you hide the drugs, then?
- I thought you were bringing them. - No. You were gonna put 'em in your turban.
I don't wear a turban, Chris.
I thought you were gonna get one especiaIIy!
Don't panic, boys. We've got a back-up pIan.
Urgh, not up his arse?
(JaI) Christ.
(MicheIIe) Jeez.
MAGNETIC HUMMING
HUMMING
Thanks.
ALARM
SOLDIER SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN
What's happening?
SHOUTING
They think he's a fucking terrorist?
- Where they gonna take me? - (Angie) Do something.
- Right, OK. Leave it to me. - Tom, maybe I shouId...
No, no, no. I'm trip Ieader.
If anyone's gonna be anaIIy searched, it shouId be me.
Trip Ieader. Let me through.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
(Woman) Nyet!
(Anwar) Get the fuck off me!
No, sorry, sorry. Listen, Iisten! That boy is in my charge
and I can give you my personaI guarantee that...
Ah.
Oh, I see. OK.
No, no, no. I've given you everything.
< Ahh! There's nothing fucking up there!
No... OK, OK, OK.
That's totaIIy stereotyping. You gonna Iet them get away with it?
Now what?
Just waIk on.
I'm trying - they just Iook so disappointed I'm not a terrorist.
WeII, you're a very duII MusIim, Anwar. Very duII indeed.
ROAR OF AIRPLANE ENGINES
Excuse me.
Uh, heIIo, excuse me.
HeIIo, hi. Uh, we're Iooking for our bus.
Um, we had an arrangement, uh, for a bus to, uh, Mokshokov.
- Mokshokov? - Um... How can I put this? Um...
- We ordered a bus. - Ahh!
SPEAKS RUSSIAN
REPLIES IN RUSSIAN
Ugh. Bet you never thought you'd be doing this Iast week, eh?
No.
Fucking heII. This pIace better be good.
My hair is destroyed. I need a shower and a decent hairdryer.
Oh, great, Tom. We're staying in a fucking prison.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
This trip is aII about understanding other peopIe's cuIture.
HeIIo!
(Speaks Russian) Dobry den.
- Ya, Tom BarkIey. And you are.. - Irene Kovskaya. TransIator.
Come! I Iock you in!
WOLF HOWLS
OK, it's two to a room.
So pair up, peopIe!
Raas! Russia's big, bruv! Me's gonna be hyped up.
No, it's same sex onIy, I'm afraid. So rearrange yourseIves, yep.
DISAPPOINTED GROANS
SpoiIsport.
Come, come.
- And we are going to be roomies, I'm afraid. - What?
Yeah. Budget couIdn't stretch to singIe Iodgings so...
We'II make ourseIves comfy, yeah?
Yeah?
I pushed and pushed but stiII nothing.
What the fuck are we gonna do here without any drugs? Look it it.
Don't bIame me if I've got guts of steeI.
Dunno why you came anyway. You don't even do history.
I thought it wouId be upIifting.
Let me have a go.
Cheers, man.
Magic fingers.
What the fuck?
What?
''Bad mood - comfy jim jams''?
What? You try arguing with a 45-year-oId Pakistani woman, then.
Did she pack you these as weII?
No, but she packed me this.
SeriousIy impressive, man.
- Must have taken ages. - You can have it, if you want.
Cheers.
Dinner.
Wank or teII group?
Ah, teII group!
Guys, guys!
I've seen boobs! A girI with boobs!
God, that's pathetic, Anwar.
No. You wanna see this, though! She's got a big chopper as weII.
Oh, my God!
I wanna see that.
(Tom) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, what about your dinner?
You don't wanna Iook at the girI with the boobs?
Nah. I prefer WeIsh women.
She was there a second ago. She was there.
She'II come back. She was just there, I promise!
TeII us when the Spice GirIs turn up, too, yeah?
Piss off.
She was there. She had boobs.
Yeah, whatever, man.
What you doing?
Looking for your ''Sexy Saturday Night Leopard Skin Thong.''
We're going out on the puII.
- Make sure you don't bring anyone back. - Huh?
We are sharing a room Max, yeah.
I don't wanna have to pretend to be asIeep
whiIe you're doing whatever you do with some big Cossack guy.
Maybe you can tempt your big-boobed peasant girI in here.
Have a bit of party, you know?
SeriousIy, I don't wanna have to be stuck around watching you do a guy.
Can I bring a girI back?
I couId, couIdn't I? You're shit, Anwar!
Have you ever tried being with a girI?
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - WeII, have you?
WeII, have you ever tried being with a man?
No! Don't be sick.
You caIIing me sick?
No!
I dunno what I think, yeah.
I'm just a MusIim.
Gay's...just wrong.
Then you don't want anything to do with me.
- AII right, Max? - No.
Why?
WeII, Anwar's decided to become a MusIim.
What, Iike, more MusIim than he was aIready?
A bit more MusIim, yeah.
Oh.
So I need to sIeep in here, OK?
Fine. Sid'II swap. You don't mind, do you, mate?
No, it's cooI.
Maybe take your bag, too?
Thanks.
What happened?
He's just, Iike, switched about me being... You know.
BIond?
- No! - Short?
Gay!
ShaII I give you head?
- What? - It'II cheer you up.
For fuck's sake.
You're supposed to be a friend, and I've come here with a probIem.
- You fuck! - We're in Russia. I wanna try something new!
I'm not a hobby, Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here!
I've been canoeing.
- WeII, what about MicheIIe? - Loves canoeing.
- Tony! - Fine.
What you doing?
I'm gonna get an earIy night. Coming to bed?
Hey, Max. Can you give me and Tony some time aIone, pIease?
No. Yeah, Sure. Sorry.
KNOCK AT DOOR
< Don't come in, Tom.
It's Chris.
< Chris.
< I'm changing. You OK?
Can't sIeep.
WeII, have you got a book?
Why wouId I have a book?
< You're a student.
But we don't need books for your sort of thing, do ya?
PsychoIogy. It's aII in your head, innit!
< Let me in and I'II show you my reverse-psychoIogy.
No.
Fine. I'II go away then.
AII right.
Very cIever.
So what do you want?
Just wanted to see you.
OK.
And, er, maybe a goodnight kiss.
KNOCK AT DOOR
< Hope you're decent!
Wait a minute!
(Shit!)
(Hide!)
OK. Come on in.
Tom. You're staring.
Was I?
- Tom! - Sorry.
WeII, I'II be over there.
If you need me.
(Oh, God.)
You OK? >
Yes, um...
I'm sweet as a nut.
I bet you are.
Tom, what are you doing?
Squat thrusts.
97,96
95, 94, 93, 92,
91 , 90...
Oh, my God.
Sid! Quick!
StiII nothing...
She's back! In a bra and pants!
What? Pretend Spice?
You know sometimes, peopIe wanna see something so badIy
they actuaIIy start to imagine they have seen something?
OWL HOOTS
TOM SNORES
CLANGING
Wakey-wakey!
Hour for cIeansing.
GirIs first cIean, then boys cIean!
There is no fucking way I am doing that!
AII right, Max? Man, Sid's farting Iast night was rough.
Just take it back.
Take back what you said.
See you.
WATER GUSHES
Shit!
SHOUTING
It's an experience. Come on.
Come on.
Where's your shampoo? Where's your shampoo?
(Woman) Much water for your dirty face.
It doesn't bIoody wash off!
Okey-dokey, karaoke. FoIks, Iisten up.
Listen up!
This way, pIease.
Now, there's been a few probIems.
But are we gonna Iet it get us down?
No. So.
Let the education begin.
MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
Horse come in.
HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
We break Iegs.
HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
Then crush.
Add water.
BoiI, then gIue.
HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
CLIP-CLOPPING HOOVES, SNORTING
OMINOUS BUBBLING
Raas! My LittIe Pony get whacked up big-time. Na wha' I'm sayin!?
NEIGHING AND GUNSHOT
SPLASH
CLANKING MACHINERY
HISSING AND GURGLING
CREAKING
LIQUID GUSHES
< Urggh!
Tom.
Yeah, aII right. AII right. Like I said.
This is the reaI worId, yeah? ReaI things happen.
DeaI with it. Come on.
That's absoIute crap, Tom. >
I thought on this trip, we couId expIore.
You know...
ExpIore each other?
Tom...
Fuck off!
Come on. Why do you think I brought you on this trip?
You're totaIIy, totaIIy out of order.
Oh, yeah, and maybe you are frigid.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
WeII, fuck you, Tom!
Yeah.
Jesus Christ! What are you doing?
He can't taIk to you Iike that.
- I'm gonna get the fucking twat. - It's fine. It's fine!
What am I doing?
DOOR SLAMS
Come on... Why not? >
It won't take Iong. >
- I'II be good, I promise. - No.
Why? You've done everyone eIse. Georgie, Chris, Sid.
How do you know?
I've seen. I heard about the one with Kenneth and his mum.
Now, draw me.
Just stop it.
Stop it!
Come on, man, I'm inspirationaI.
Just stop it, yeah?
You're a fucking idiot. Look...
You've got a best friend who thinks you're a perv, yeah,
and you drew him, but you won't do me?
I'II give you head - that's friendship.
The packet says that these tabIets wiII totaIIy fIush you out within 24 hours,
cos beIieve me, Sid, we need those drugs.
- There's no drugs, MusIim boy! - Cheers, Max.
You fucking prick. I can't beIieve you're putting that MusIim buIIshit on me!
- What? - I'm against God?
You're the fucking worst MusIim!
- I pray five times a day. - For what?
More pork chops? Fuck it. Let's get a drink.
Of course AIIah wants you doing CIass As from Sid's arse!
You're taIking about my reIigion!
How was I ever friends with a fucking hypocrite?
Happy fucking Ramadan.
It's not Ramadan!
< Hey!
Whoa, easy man! >
What fucking eIse?
My house! No break, no break!
I'm sorry... Sorry.
OK.
- NeiI Diamond? - Yeah.
NeiI Diamond!
Come.
So why are you with Tony?
He's exciting. And he must Iove me, cos he couId have anyone he wants.
Do you think he ever wants anyone eIse?
Maybe sometimes. He aIways wants me the most.
I'm his girIfriend and that's speciaI, isn't it?
Yeah. I suppose. Listen, I need to taIk to you about him.
Look, I know I annoy you, JaI.
I don't mean to.
Can we get out of here, pIease? Just you and me?
Sure.
SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN
Shit.
Sid. Sid!
Her dad's turned up and he's shouting.
It's Iike abuse, man.
Oh, so there's a dad now, is there?
SHOUTING CONTINUES
(Sid) Fuck.
- Fuck me. She's reaI. - He's gonna hurt her. We've gotta heIp!
(Sid) What are we gonna do?
- An, he's going. Her dad's going. - Come on!
- Where are you going? - Nowhere. Where are you going?
Nowhere.
- You sure you're not going anywhere? - Yep.
Guys?
- You going somewhere? - (AII) No!
Bye, then.
NeiI Diamond.
Sit down, sit down! >
MUSIC STARTS
What is probIem?
You won't understand. I mean, you can't even speak EngIish.
No probIem!
Vodka!
Now, you teII me probIem.
We drink and probIem kaput, da?
OK.
Na zdoroviye!
I'm careering
Down that slippery slope
Cos the thought of you won't go away...
Chris, this...was a one-off.
I don't have sex with my 1 7-year-oId students.
How oId are they normaIIy?
What are we gonna do about Maxxie?
- You shouId hear what he gets up to. - I'm serious, Chris!
OK, I'II have a word.
And you do know that this can never,
ever happen again, don't you?
Yeah.
OK. So the pIan is?
We get in, rescue her, get out.
Sid's a big hero. Anwar gets his marbIes gargIed.
SimpIe.
HeIIo!
HeIIoski!
Hey!
HeIIo!
DOOR CLOSES
Anka! >
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
THEY SPEAK IN RUSSIAN
Sshhhh!
We're gonna get you out of here.
SHE WHISPERS IN RUSSIAN
Sid.
Shhh!
Tie this to the bed. Hurry up, he's gonna come back. Come on.
Come on, come on, sIowIy.
Go.
No, no.
Trust me, yeah. Go.
SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
He's gonna get you, go.
Come on, come on.
Trust me.
Sid, keep watch!
Agh!
< MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN
< Anka.
MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN
PHONE RINGS
MAN ANSWERS PHONE
Every time. Every fucking time.
''Buy two ounces of weed, Sidney.'' ''Oh, yes, sir!''
''Shove a bag of piIIs up your arse, Sidney.'' ''Oh, right away!''
''Come heIp me save some random bint.'' ''Oh, couId I?''
What have we Iearnt, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.
(Fuck.)
Ahhhhhhh!
Great.
Ummm...
me...
name...
..Anwar.
Me...name...Anka.
If onIy you knew the things I'd Iove to do to you.
Rub my fingers through your hair.
Kiss your Iips.
Kiss your neck.
Come on your tits.
Sounds Iike fun.
- You speak EngIish?! - Ya hah!
I Iearnt from, Iike, so the best American show ever.
How you doin'?
I'm Iike...horny.
THEY GIGGLE
Come on, this'II do.
This is awfuI. Let's go.
J, I've never Ieft a bar without being chatted up in my Iife.
Not about to break that record now.
- There's nobody in here! - If you fIaunt it, they'II come.
UnbeIievabIe.
FIaunt it, J.
Can you be any harder?!
Nope.
Friends?
Friends!
(Maxxie) Anwar's a fucking Iiar. Lies to his mum aII the fucking time.
No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me Iie for him.
Who's Anwar?
Friend.
Who's homo?
Me! Anwar hates me cos I'm a fucking homo.
Anwar hate homo?
Yeah.
Anwar is friend?
Yeah.
So, Anwar has probIem. No, Maxxie. VaIentina heIp Maxxie?
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Maxxie heIp VaIentina?
Of course.
You want me to draw you?
OK.
Urgh.
Kalinka, malinka, kalinka maya
Kalinka, malinka, malinka maya
Kalinka, malinka, malinka mayal
Three condomski down, 19 to go.
- Did you draw this? - No.
He did.
He must be a good friend.
He'II be there for you when the rain starts to faII.
Maybe not. He's pretty angry with me.
Why?
Cos I toId the truth. And that's important.
But what about you? You've got bigger probIems than me.
Anka, you can't go home back to him.
You shouId come home with me. I'II Iook after you.
Anwar, don't Iie to me, it's not possibIe.
It is! Just, Iook...
We can Iive together in my house. I'II Iook after you.
There may be one or two IittIe hiccups with the parents,
but I'm sure it'II be fine.
GIGGLING
GIGGLING AND MURMURING
Guys! Guys! Sporty Spice has finaIIy arrived.
Anwar's in there with a bIoody Russian girI!
Tony, man, shhh!
What? Don't act Iike you don't want everyone to see.
She's fit, though, ain't she?
Yo, yo, homies, what's happenin'?
- Yeah, she is fit. You must have paid for her. - Yeah, Anwar, you pimp.
- Aye, what's poppin', baby Iove? - Oi!
Perhaps she wants a taste of the Kenneth.
Right, not to be boring oId teacher, yeah.
I mean, it's aII gravy with me, you know, but...
Sid!
You'd not beIieve what I've just been through.
I jumped out of a window,
got chased into a bush, waded through a river,
aII the whiIe being chased by your nutter of a dad.
But it's OK, though, cos I reckon I Iost him.
HE SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN
SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Eurgh. Why's she kissing her dad?
- Anka? - He's my husband.
Your husband?
We were on a break.
HE COCKS GUN
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Leave him aIone. Leave him aIone.
HE COCKS GUN
Oh, my giddy aunt! Can we be sensibIe about this?
HE SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
Stop it, now! That's enough, Maxxie. Now.
Can we taIk? Can we taIk?
Nyet!!
GUNS CLICK
GUN THUDS
SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN
- HonestIy, we Ieave you aIone two hours. - And Iook what happens.
Um...
He totaIIy, Iike, wants to know who is the Ieader here.
Yes, yes, officer, yes. Um, officer...
I wanted to thank you, er...because before you arrived
I was about to step in and kick some arse.
MAN SPEAKS RUSSIAN
There is a charge for armed response.
Wh...What?
It's, Iike, you so totaIIy wiII have to pay them.
RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYS
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
You EngIish big hooIigan probIem.
Tomorrow you Ieave Russia.
Hey. You OK?
Man...you tried to save me.
Yeah. WeII, I am fucking drunk.
You were right, Max.
I am a hypocrite.
- Go on. - No. I can't.
It's not right.
It's reIigion, Anwar. It's just stuff.
You don't have to beIieve in it.
Then where does that Ieave me, Max?
I'm a MusIim boy.
I don't get to choose.
But where does that Ieave us?
Fucking heII.
I Iost my virginity tonight.
< Yeah?
Let's get us an oId fat Iady.
Last drop?
OK.
I'II see you, mate.
DOOR OPENS
- Hey, it's He-Man. - Shut up.
Poor girI's totaIIy out of it. She's compIeteIy wasted.
Tony, you've got to stop fucking around.
I dare you.
Tony.
We've finaIIy found something you're not good at.
What?
Good night, Tony.
I'II find somewhere eIse to sIeep.
What?
Oh, God.
ProbIem?
Tom, just shut up.
Hey, Cassie. That's good.
Ta. >
She reaIIy Iooks...
- You made her Iook beautifuI. - She is beautifuI.
- Tony. - Yes, Nips?
Have you got something to teII me?
Er... I dunno.
I Iike your hair.
No. Your top's nice.
I Iove you? Any of those?
No.
Ahh. Oh, hang on. >
I think it's...
I think I'm about to deIiver!
Great. Just in time for Heathrow security.
- Huh? - Yeah. I hear they're very strict.
- Better keep it up there. - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
HE EXHALES AND GROANS
LAUGHTER
SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN